The lost love, attachment and couple relationship

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The establishment of an intimate relationship implies, from its inception, the risk of disappointment and failure, because each individual brings their significant binding expectations, needs and desires inherent to the experience of every human being. The mutual attraction and sexual desire are the initial stimulus to the formation of a couple, but soon have to make room for the needs of comfort, mutual care and safety, as biologically predetermined and functional in a fulfilling relationship and safe.

As you walk the path of life in couple we prosthesis to the realization of our best dreams. Nevertheless we must eventually come to terms with the realities facing the inner world of our partners and with our ways of giving and receiving love. This mode is influenced by emotional memories and beliefs that we have built ourselves and the world, that have nourished the affective experiences lived in the interaction with our attachment figures: mother, father, grandparents and all significant adults who played a role in our lives presence, nurturance and care.

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These representational models, the psychologist and British psychoanalyst John Bowl by called “internal working models” and we are all unwitting carriers, orient our emotional experiences, the choice of partners and the evolution of the emotional relationship with your loved one and children. This implies that, if our program is oriented affective by an “emotional map” built on feelings of deprivation, abandonment and loneliness, our experiences will be influenced, albeit to varying degrees, from fear, anxiety and mistrust, rather than from an assertive and confident realistically against human relations (or more generally of life) and by the knowledge that we are worthy of love.

The research on this matter confirm that – regardless of gender differences that may influence the modes of expression and behavior – negative individuals with mental representations related to an attachment base insecure they feel easily misunderstood, fear of not being loved and of being abandoned, are doubtful about its value and frequently have behaviors that confirm low self confidence, including jealousy, the tendency to possess, emotional disengagement and, in severe cases, violence and abuse. Conversely those who have internalized in their evolutionary path of secure attachment are more willing to compromise in the couple’s life, they are more flexible and do naturally use constructive strategies that reflect the primary need to promote the quality of their relationship, rather than meet personal interests and needs. Even the separation in this type of couples, beyond the inevitable suffering, does not produce conflicting results and / or deep lacerations, as partners can draw on inner resources accrued positive in emotionally satisfying relationships, in a familiar and serene in social relationships authentic and rewarding.

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People are unconsciously attracted to partners who have very similar beliefs about intimacy and the ability to depend on others and therefore tend to prefer mates who validate the interaction of its relational models acquired. However the pair is a two-way open system based on reciprocity that allows partners to modify, ongoing, their relational models. That is an implicit initial pact, built on programs dysfunctional internalized (of either or both partners), it can be updated and revised to correspond to new instances of evolution. Sometimes this need for change arises from the impending perception of risk of rupture of their intimate relationship or, in a phase of revival, following a separation already lived.

The difficulty in reorienting their behavior in emotional intimacy may therefore be a demonstration of how we lived attachments and separations in early childhood. When contact with the child’s needs that we were was interrupted because of events that resulted in us disorientation, deprivation, frustration and anxiety, you need to rebuild it, take care of the emotional wound and release emotions of the past; This is realized much of the therapeutic work. Only in the here and now we can choose to give voice to that child, now an adult, claiming the desire to live a state of emotional well-being so that we can access a married life satisfying and fully generative.

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